Sunday, 7 August 2011

Girl in Exile

Sidestepping the arid thoughts

of these, her every day torments,

she swept the kitchen.

Blue broom pushing yesterdays crumbs

over her threshold, and out onto

the cold cement of another day.

The egg yellow sun crawling

over bland suburban rooftops,

scars her morning with its slanted light.

Its luke warm fingers roaming

her upturned face, exploring the weight

of her world on her shoulders, her slow walk

tender footfalls on unforgiving concrete.

In her head she sees the grasses of a distant plain,

and hears the plaintive notes that have become

her internal soundtrack. Playing on repeat,

looping over and over. An accompaniment

to her search for those rusty keys,

and lost prophets,

of home.



Also entered in the thursday think tank for the prompt She

Written for The Sunday Whirl - Wordle 16 (I managed to use all the words.)

This one almost constructed itself. Rather than having an idea to start with, the phrase 'everyday torments' came to mind and I went from there. It wasn't until I got to the end that I figured out 'the story'. Strange isn't it, how some of these just write themselves? Last weeks wordle was amazing in that respect for me. This week, it didn't flow quite so easily and I am not so pleased with the result as last week. But! I AM always pleased to have managed to use all of the wordle words. :-)

24 comments:

vivinfrance said...

I can't for the life of me think why you are not pleased with this poem! I loved the way you used the words in metaphor, and the whole poem 'spoke' to me of the humdrum daily life of a woman.

Susannah said...

Thanks very much Viv. :-)

I think the feeling is that of not being settled. It comes when I have finished something and there isn't that sense of completion. There is much I like about this one but the ending is niggling at me, and wont give me that satisfying 'ah, it's finished' sigh, that I am looking for.

Mary said...

I enjoyed your process notes on this. It is interesting to me how wordles sometimes write themselves. I think they are amazing in that I always seem to write something I would not have written otherwise!

I liked yours a lot, as I could picture the scene your words created. My favorite lines were:

Blue broom pushing yesterdays crumbs

over her threshold, and out onto

the cold cement of another day.


As far as this poem not giving you the sense that it is 'completed,' my guess is that you will look at it later and find the key to completion. That often happens with me!

brenda w said...

You had a great attack plan with every day torments, and it rings true, Susannah. I'm with Viv,this is incredible writing to be proud of. I love "...pushing yesterdays crumbs....out onto the cold cement of another day." Just beautiful.

Susannah said...

Thanks Mary.

Yes, I agree that wordles are amazing in taking us places that we wouldn't go if left to our own devices. And I suspect you are right and that I will look at this later and know what it needs to feel 'complete.'

Good to see you. x

Susannah said...

Brenda, thanks very much. I very much appreciate your feedback. :-)

Marianne said...

Enjoyed reading your wordle poem. So many great images. I especially liked: "the cold cement of another day" and "the egg yellow sun crawling
over bland suburban rooftops, scars her morning with its slanted light."

Daydreamertoo said...

I love it when they just all seem to 'fit' our thoughts.
Amazing and, a lovely read~!

Nanka said...

Nicely done and reminded me of Cinderella and her monotonous drudgery!! Someone trapped in a high-rise tower!!

Mike Patrick said...

You took me back to my childhood, watching Mom cleaning up. She would stop and look out the window while pushing her hair back from her face. Now, I'm wondering what she was thinking during those times. A remarkable poem.

Traci B said...

I experienced a similar coalescence of the words, Susannah, both this week and last. I love it when a poem comes together. ;)

And yours is a wonderfully written story poem of a life derailed by circumstance.

Susannah said...

Thanks very much everyone, I have actually grown to like this one more after living with it for a while. :-)

Elizabeth said...

Susannah, my apologies for being late to come here. I really like the poem and also like the ending. The prophets of home always have so much to say about where we are at in any moment. Really like the blue broom pushing yesterday's crumbs. This is definitely a distilled moment, well written,

Elizabeth

Susannah said...

Thanks very much Elizabeth. :-)

Kim Nelson said...

Susannah,
This is superb. You used the whirl words to create a succinct and true painting of one woman's life. Masterful. The piece grabbed me, showed me, made me feel her ennui. Well done.

Susannah said...

Thanks very much Kim. :-)

Eileen T O'Neill ..... said...

Susannah,

Words of great thought and yearning.
Deeply emotional and searching.

Eileen

Morning said...

deep and wise words.
well done,

Laurie Kolp said...

I love the image of the woman sweeping... sets the perfect scene.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Wow, you made fantastic use of the words in the wordle and painted such a vivid portrait of your character. I am way impressed. Loved your process notes too. It's cool when a couple of words link up like that. The final stanza is amazing!

Susannah said...

Thanks all, I appreciate you reading. It is good to see you. :-) x

Ella said...

I, too am impressed; such lovely imagery~ I really enjoyed your poem! Well Done~

madhumakhi said...

Makes me think of a woman who was forced to migrate elsewhere and she's now living a thankless life. Your poem brings out the harsh monotony of her life very well.

Susannah said...

Thanks Ella. :-)

Madhumakhi, I think you have summed it up very well.

Good to see you both, I appreciate you stopping by and reading.

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